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Secretary of State John Kerry announced in Madrid today that the United States has developed a new foreign policy doctrine, evolving from the famous “leading from behind” tactic used to strike Libya to now actually leading “with its behind.”

Kerry, who said the new strategy has the potential to evolve into the long-elusive “Obama Doctrine” of foreign policy, argued that “leading with its behind” is the natural outgrowth of recent foreign policy initiatives and statements by administration officials like himself.

“We have to be able able to think things through clearly. And so we have to lead from the place where are heads are currently located.

French President François Hollande immediate applauded the United States for developing the new strategy. “We’ve had our heads in that very place since the late 1930s,” Hollande said. “I’m glad the United States is finally seeing the light. Or, well, the lack of it. Zut alors!”

Desperate Israelis leaders, worried about their most important ally, have assembled teams of nice Jewish doctors trained to surgically remove the heads of leading Obama figures from their asses. The Americans have so far rejected the overtures.

“We’re comfortable where we are,” said White House Chief of Staff Denis McDonough.

U.S. Military commanders on the ground, however, are complaining that the location of the heads of leading Obama administration figures is causing their message to be muffled and is already leading to dangerous misunderstandings.

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